If you're scared of giving birth, I want you to hear this first: there is nothing wrong with you. Most of us feel some worry about birth, and many women feel real fear. Research suggests that about 14 in 100 pregnant women worldwide have a severe fear of childbirth, and about 16 in 100 first-time moms. You are in very good company.
Where the fear comes from
In the movies, birth is a woman screaming while everyone rushes around her. We've seen that scene so many times that most of us grow up believing it's what birth is. Add a few scary stories from friends, and it makes sense that fear moves in long before labor does.
But birth doesn't have to look like that. Yes, there's intensity, and there can be pain. But pain and suffering aren't the same thing.
Why feeling calm matters to your body
Labor is guided by hormones. Oxytocin, often called the love hormone, powers contractions, and endorphins are your body's own comfort. They flow best when you feel safe, private and undisturbed. When you feel afraid or rushed, stress hormones like adrenaline rise, and they can slow labor down.
Childbirth pioneer Grantly Dick-Read called this the fear-tension-pain cycle: fear makes us tense, and tension makes pain feel stronger. The good news is that the cycle works the other way too. Feeling safe and supported helps your body soften and open.
Gentle things that help
- Learning how birth really works. The unknown is scary. Knowing what labor actually looks like takes away a lot of fear.
- Knowing your options. You can choose where you give birth and who is with you. Read about your birth options.
- A midwife or doctor who knows you. In a Cochrane review, women who had continuity of care with a known midwife were less likely to need an epidural, and most studies found they felt more satisfied with their care.
- Practicing calm breathing. Slow breaths, longer on the out-breath, practiced for weeks before so your body knows them.
- Warm water. A bath or birth pool in labor may lower the need for an epidural.
- Your people. Surround yourself with those who make you feel loved. As my midwife Sarah always said, pregnant women need to feel loved.
Confidence can grow, little by little
I didn't feel confident at the start either. My confidence grew month by month, through regular visits with my midwives (monthly at first, then weekly near the end), books and hypnobirthing practice. By month eight, I trusted my body more than I ever had.
When the fear feels too big
Sometimes fear is so strong that it keeps you up at night or changes how you feel about your pregnancy. This is sometimes called tokophobia, and it's real, common and treatable. Please tell your midwife or doctor. They can connect you with counseling and help you make a birth plan that feels safe.
You can also call or text the free, confidential National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262), any time, day or night. If you're in crisis, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.
You deserve to feel supported, not judged. If you'd like a gentle companion along the way, my five free lessons are a lovely place to start.
Sources O'Connell et al. 2017 · Buckley 2015, Hormonal Physiology of Childbearing · Sandall et al. 2016, Cochrane · Cluett et al. 2018, Cochrane · OpenStax, Hypnobirthing · National Maternal Mental Health Hotline
